Would You Rather: Tim Taylor or Al Borland From ‘Home Improvement’

Life often presents us with tough choices, but we’re here to help work them out. Each week, we discuss two attractive men, weigh the pros and cons, and decide, once and for all, which one we’d rather have sex with. In this week’s Would You Rather, we debate two titans of DIY ’90s comedy: Tim “The Tool Man” Taylor (Tim Allen) and Al Borland (Richard Karn) from Home Improvement.

Joel: Tyler, I wish I had a better explanation for this one, but I really don’t. There is no timely movie release to make this duo seem relevant, and I’m not even really sure there is any long lasting love of Home Improvement that exists in many of the dark corners of the internet that we can leverage like we have in some of our previous excursions. But what can I say? From 1991-1999, this show was appointment television for my family and so the two subjects of today’s debate will always hold a special place in my heart. Even despite the fact that my dad still cites Tim Allen as his favorite comedian, which kind of feels like he’s breaking some sort of parental code of conduct considering his youngest son is a comedian. But I digress. What say you? You were pretty willing to go along with this pitch, is that because you, like me, have been harboring some sweaty fantasies about one these two?

Tyler: I wouldn’t go that far, Joel. Sure, I’m intrigued to see where you’re gonna go with this (although I already have my suspicions), but I can’t say I’d spent much time in my life deciding which of the Tool Time guys I’d want to sleep with. Considering this is the second time a Tim Allen character has turned up in one of these debates (the first being Buzz Lightyear), I’m betting I know which way you’re swaying here.

Joel: You know what? I’ll admit it. I used to jerk off compulsively to Tim Allen and mostly because of his character on Home Improvement. We’d watch it on syndication and then I’d promptly excuse myself to the bathroom to have a little bit of “tool time” to myself. I’d think up elaborate sexual fantasies about the Taylor family patriarch and, you know, I can’t quite remember why I was so drawn to him. But even still, while I can’t say I’m a fan of any of Allen’s later work, Tim Taylor can still get it.

Tyler: For the first time in this series, I feel compelled to pull a TMI card. But I’m a professional, so I’ll play along here. I hate Tim Allen; I always have. I remember watching this show with my family and I also wanted to rush out of the living room — although not to masturbate. I just wanted to do anything other than watch Home Improvement. For the sake of argument, and for the sake of good sense and taste, I will stand firmly on Al Borland’s side. Sorry, Joel. You’ve simply gone too far.

Joel: Okay, yeah. Perhaps I did just single handedly burn this column to the ground. But can you honestly, with any integrity at all say that Al Borland — sycophantic, know-it-all All Borland — is the more fuckable of these two? You’ve literally spent the last five weeks screaming about how much you hate know-it-alls! Al is the Hermione Granger of the Home Improvement universe.

Tyler: IS HE? I honestly have no idea, because I clearly do not remember Home Improvement as well as you do as I was not using its star as the object of my pre-teen sexual fantasies. If anyone on this show was a know-it-all, wouldn’t it be Wilson? Or one of those annoying kids? Probably Jonathan Taylor Thomas, right? I dunno! I’m going to go ahead and base my choice here on two criteria: Richard Karn is not Tim Allen, and Al Borland always wore a lot of plaid. I like plaid!

Joel: Ridiculous. I’m not here to defend Tim Allen. I find him and his body of work to be pretty obnoxious. But Home Improvement is a gem, as is his over enthusiastic hand man Tim Taylor. Sure he could be a little headstrong, but you could always tell he cared about his wife and kids above all else and sometimes he’d take his shirt off and he has one of those ideal mid-nineties hairy chests that was probably out of fashion in that time, but would get a lot of woofs on Scruff today. Seriously, if you’re choosing Al to spite me and Tim Taylor, you’re a fool.

Tyler: Are we basing this entirely on what would be the hottest on Scruff? Because, come on, Al is, like, the perfect bear. That beard? That bod? That is some prime midwestern thickness, right there. Sure, the hair needs some work, but it’s easier to fix that than it is to get Tim to stop grunting like a moron whenever he sees a muscle car or hears the roar of a drill.

Joel: I walked into that. And don’t get me wrong — I’m not anti-midwestern bear by any means. But what I am anti is his Al’s complete and utter lack of fun. He is the constant kill joy, which I can only assume would transfer over to the bedroom too. “Oh no, get that sounding rod out of here, it’s dangerous!” Live a little, Al!

Tyler: If it all comes down to sounding, then once again I feel very comfortable and safe over in Al’s corner. Plus, there would also be a blissful lack of turbo-charged handsaws and leaf blowers. I’m already dismissive of people who have to go out of their way to make sexual encounters more complicated and crazy, and I have a feeling Tim Taylor’s affinity for mechanical boosting would transfer to the bedroom. Or maybe he’d just turn his workshop into a bedroom? I don’t know. What I do know: I do not like splinters, and those are inevitable if you’re gonna be fucking Tim Taylor.

Joel: Not once in the history of the show did Jill Taylor complain about splinters. In fact, I’m pretty sure she was portrayed as a fairly sexually satisfied lady. Only once late into the series did she stray and kiss the guy installing their new counters, and then who was willing to sit down and talk about the state of their marriage? Tim Taylor. The dude was the full package: he was virile and sensitive when it counted. Isn’t that what we’re all looking for?

Tyler: If Home Improvement taught me anything, it’s that marrying a professional TV handyman is exhausting and quite dangerous. Also, neighbors can be really weird sometimes.

Joel: It’s insane to me that you would pick Jonathan Scott, but you aren’t even a little into Tim “The Tool Man” Taylor.

Tyler: I don’t think that’s crazy. Not all handymen are the same, Joel. And if you remember, I argued that Jonathan Scott was a “fixer-upper.”

Joel: I think there’s a lot of similarities there. They’re both passionate about home improvement! I mean, and I think that’s where it really breaks down for me in this Tim vs. Al debate. Al may be more technically proficient at home improvement, but Tim is so much more passionate about it! He goes into these projects head first, they’re like a performance for him. I’ll take that kind of messy love of the game over Al’s by the numbers bullshit any day. But listen, I can tell you aren’t really willing to go to the mat for Al here, so let’s move things more in your wheelhouse: Marry, fuck, kill Brad, Randy and Mark Taylor.

Tyler: Just a quick question: we’re talking pre-teen versions of the adult actors now?

Joel: Let’s say late series, post-pubescent prime-JTT period to keep things from being even more gross and indecent.

Tyler: In that case, kill Mark because the show ended in 1999 and Taran Noah Smith, which is a human being’s real name (#rememberthe90s), was only 15 at the time. Fuck Brad, because why not. And marry Randy. I can’t help it: Jonathan Taylor Thomas was as important to my adolescent development as Tim “the Tool Man” Taylor was to yours. At least my desires were age-appropriate at the time, albeit particularly basic.

Joel: You’d have to be insane not to marry Jonathan Taylor Thomas, who is and was a constant thrice named inspiration. On this we can agree.

Tyler: There’s a first time for everything!

 

PREVIOUSLY:
Captain America vs. Iron Man from The Avengers
Dr. Alan Grant vs. Dr. Ian Malcolm from Jurassic Park
Drew Scott vs. Jonathan Scott from Property Brothers
Woody vs. Buzz Lightyear from Toy Story
Sherlock vs. Dr. John Watson From Sherlock
Peeta Mellark vs. Gale Hawthorne From The Hunger Games
Dean Forester vs. Jess Mariano From Gilmore Girls

 

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